27 december 2010
The last 6 months,
Africa
America
african american white girl
culture shock - walmart, white people, running water, wealth, consumerism, disgust
cancer
Africa - goodbyes, despair
America - sunken heart
friends
family
the most humiliating evening of my life
summer camp
doubt
tears
conflict
grad school?
confusion
heart break
loss
unfulfilled hugs & needs for affection
reaching for the unknown
hope, hopeless
pitiful
alaska
north carolina
inspiration
i'm gonna do what i want
panic
unsettled
anxious
familiar faces
friendship
christmas
I haven't written in a long time. Or I have, but not publicly - and nothing to the extent with which it once poured so naturally out of me.
I've experienced breakups before - in fact I think I've been going through one for the last 2 years. & this one, this most recent one I've been trudging through for the past 6 months, it shares all the same challenges that have come with previous disintegrating relationships;
I still look through our old photos together, the films made throughout
I've kept all of our love letters, all of my diary entries documenting our highs & lows
I keep in touch with our old friends for updates every now & then
I still see you in my dreams
I still shed tears
My heart still aches
and as I've learned through the mistakes of past breakups, I should just let it go. I need to snap out of the past & get on with the present. I need to move on, to take it for what it was, a great adventure of the heart and put it neatly into a shoe box - tuck it under my bed to explore years down the road when the power of time has washed away all waves of pain that overcome me now,
but I can't.
The reminders of this relationship are not only all around me, in treasures, time capsules of color, texture and scent that transport me to another world,
but the remnants of this relationship have transgressed my being, seeped into my spirit, becoming a part of who I am; the thoughts that escape my head à travers my lips, the perspective I have of the world through these eyes.
it's there
& I don't want that to fade.
I am a better person because of our time together,
a stronger person
and at times I doubt I'll ever love again.
I will try, but your warmth, your heart, your rhythm, your appreciation for everything beautiful & true
I'm sorry, mama Africa,
but I believe we will be reunited one day
& as pathetic as it may be,
I just can't let you go.
