I don't write anymore. It's nothing personal
& it's completely personal at the same time.
I'm afraid to reread anything I wrote in Rwanda.
I lived there day to day, wrapping them all up with a sunset of a neatly tied ribbon and bow,
a moral
a lesson.
something learned.
the perfectly packaged
cupcake of morality to share with the world.
Alaska has been hard.
questions questions questions.
I'm afraid if I were to reread anything I wrote in Rwanda,
I would trip over my puddles of optimism and fall with a big splash.
I just don't think I could chew it
without leaving a taste of naivety and positivity
burning like acid indigestion up my throat.
Jaded, much? you might be wondering.
It's hard to explain. I don't know that I can.
This is just where I'm at.
I feel like I'm the latest blooming flower of the season,
no. Like the bulb that never came up when it was meant to,
only to years later - break the soil & sprout with greens,
in the oncoming autumn cold.
I think that's who I am though.
Just this bulb sending out roots & growing my stem
as the proper growing season has passed & my friends are well on their way
through the life cycle.
Questions Questions Questions
For the last several months,
I have not found a quiet moment of peace
in my mind.
They cover the
whos
the whats
the whens
the wheres
& most importantly the whys
in basic elementary school.
WHY is it then,
that I wasn't hit with this lesson until age 23?
WHY is it that for about 20 years I got away with thinking I knew
anything about anything.
or embarrassingly, in some cases
everything about everything?
Small.
I wrote about feeling small in Rwanda,
I remember that.
I feel it here too.
& it's not just because Alaska is the LARGEST state in the Union (sorry Kyndell)
but because
my questions
have no answers
& I often feel like my ignorance is served up to me on a silver platter.
(but I guess that's just one of the things that happens when you surround yourself by people who are incredibly talented, beautiful, cultured, experienced, knowledgeable, etc)
All of those +1's as I like to call them,
they are people who make your eyes open wider with curiosity.
They challenge you,
your beliefs,
or what you thought you believed.
your values,
are they truly your own?
your jokes, the things you find funny (is that appropriate?)
your definition of kindness
& of yourself.
I went from a box of bubbling confidence & answers & opinions
to a void.
a nothingness.
& that's how I felt.
Who am I?
What on Earth could I possibly contribute to this world?
to these people?
I wanted to "change the world".
small small small
depression
anxiety
worryworryworry.
inappropriate thoughts & questions on loop
through my mind,
leaving my eyes blank & my presence absent.
Alaska has been hard.
a mourning.
Rwanda.
all of those listed above.
growing up,
asking for help.
I'm here.
& I'm trying to learn how to be more here
everyday.
Love.
we are rubbing elbows again,
in what feels like the most genuine, gettingthroughthestruggles partnership kinda way.
Bikes.
Freedom.
Power.
Effortlessly perspiring through the burning
that leaves a smile & the wind on my face.
things are looking up,
but I still trip.
making decisions for a healthier future.
for a healthier me.
for a healthier we.
