this is the time of year

when people dress up trees & bushes along the paths

with treasures that tumbled from pockets or slid out of bags in the wind.

winter time snow men,

scarves, hats, mittens & coats

hang, ready to be reclaimed.

reality checks everyday.

it amazes me how fluid the definition of "normal" can be

depending on where you are

& who you're with.

the new taste of normal left lingering with me these days

is of

teenage pregnancy

baby daddies in jail

felonies,

misdemeanors,

all before the right to vote.

drug addicts, FASD alcoholics

all before the right to consume.

court-dates & abuse,

violence & homelessness

all before noon.

I feel like I'm bragging to talk about the home I live in

or about having friends over to the house

to play board-games every Tuesday night.

stability.

warmth.

food.

showers.

enough.

we see commercials on tv for malnurished children in Africa

but these aren't just 3rd world problems.

we hear whispers about "youth homelessness"

& we decorate trees in churches at holiday time

with the thinnest,

because they're the cheapest,

mittens available at the store

- so we can feel like we're making a difference.

those mittens are nothing

against the bite of winter cold.

& those scarves don't keep out the judging chill

of the passerby

as we curse the punks & clutch our purses tighter to our sides.

how can you reach "self-enlightenment"

without a pillow to lay your head on at night?

real issues, real faces, real people,

they walk

in & out

of the doors of our building

every single day.

& I don't understand,

I can't understand.

All that I understand

is how privileged & sheltered a life

I have lived.

does humor & warm greetings

make a difference?

a listening ear?

because that's all I have to offer.

no more. no less.

Alaska, my healing grounds.

i think i know what i want to be when i grow up.

[this is very exciting news!]

(i've stopped writing in my journal - because the paper was rough & hard to write on). so I unload here.

over this year, I've noticed several differences.

as I kind of distanced (under-exaggeration - I did anything & everything to very strategically depict myself in a particular way any given day - happy photos, affirming statuses intertwined with doubt & self-loathing) myself from the sharing-world,

these differences may be less obvious to outsiders.

one major change, I've noticed

is an attitude adjustment.

I've put on new glasses,

I'm seeing life through new lens.

I thought myself to be a victim of shitty life circumstances.

I was upset, I was confused.

I was pushing my unhappiness off

in any direction

but inward.

Now,

I feel as though some clarity,

time & distance

love & help

has allowed me step into new shoes.

To see myself as an active player

in the decision making process

after being dealt that hand of cards.

Seeing myself as a responder

rather than victim

is empowering,

liberating.

Which brings me to my second thought;

maybe I saw myself in such a shitty light for so long

because I was unconsciously disgusted with the way in which I was handling things.

I can do better,

but for a while there, I thought I was

worthless.

small.

(& maybe, in that state of shock, I was).

victim.

woe-is-me.

tears. tears.

pity.

who are you?

what can you offer this world?

what do you know?

why should anyone care?

breathe.

you are deserving,

I know you don't believe it now,

but maybe if you say it to yourself several times a day,

maybe then you'll start to believe it's true.

happiness.

what is this?

I've searched for so long.

Running.

undeserving.

NO, Nicole.

embrace it.

it's here, for you.

affirmations.

evolving.

I am worthy.

I am learning.

I will get better.

Be patient.

you tell me.

in 2 mins

tell the story of your life [birth -> now] as a complete tragedy.

in the next 2 mins

tell the story of your life [birth -> now] as a huge success story.

(what do you notice?)

roommate selection process

must answer 3/4 of the following questions to nicole's satisfaction:

do you like drinking out of jars?

do you do yoga?

how do you feel about farting?

do you swim in lakes?

what i know. or think i know.

i want

to work with youth

to work with under-served populations of youth

to be a caring, supportive, consistent adult in the lives of these youth

to know them

to challenge them

to empower them

i want

less noise

less traffic

less cars

less people

i want

more trees

more green

more locally grown food

a garden.

i want

to drink out of glass jars

to be aware of my consumption

to slow down

to take the time

to experience

& to enjoy

the process.

i want an

all-natural

organic

dirt under your fingernails

life

& love.

checking in.

mostly truths.
i haven't shaved my legs since mid-July.
i wear my hair short, because that's how i like it.
i approach people,
no matter their race
no matter their religion
no matter their economic status
no matter their sexual orientation
as me.
as "hi, I'm Nicole. It's nice to meet you."
i make mistakes,
but i'm learning
to slow down
to process
to take a step back
to feel it out.
& then to think it out.
to take those moments to breathe,
to try to understand.
to accept.
to learn
& to move on.
i am learning forgiveness.
i am learning that forgiving ourselves,
is often times
the most difficult thing we can do.
the most important thing we can do.
& often the last thing we do.


talk
exchange
share
put yourself
your experiences
your opinions
your thoughts
your ideals
your values
your emotions
your heart
out there.
share.
create a safe space
inside you.
& around you.
of trust
and unconditional love.
for you.
of you.
by you.


& allow others to tip toe in,
as they feel comfortable.
as they need


listen.


encourage.
support.
be open
to
yourself
just as much as to others.
to fall
to stumble
to trip
to scrape up your knees
every now & again.
to skip barefoot through the grass
of greener times & days
with a smile on your face
& the sun dancing through your hair.


dance.
to your song.
as your body moves
as the music of life
& rhythms of emotion
move you.


love.
honestly.
loyally.
forgivingly.




proud.
of the woman i am becoming.

in response to my 6 June 2011 post

I CHOSE to quit the Peace Corps.

I accept it.

I am moving on.

life is good.

my new placement

my service will end January 16th, 2012
& for the last few months, from now until then, I have a new placement.
I am now serving at Covenant House Alaska - a community center for homeless or at-risk youth.

for the first time in a long time,
I am
arriving on time
dressing professionally
talking, interacting, socializing
walking to lunch with new colleagues
eating with youth
laughing
teasing
connecting

happy.