many dreams about swimming.always swimming.
(note to self: look it up)
I've been asked a few times recently why I haven't been writing.
I'm working on a few things lately,
- a lack of self-consciousness (focusing my energy & actions on others as a way to escape the on-going doubts/anxieties/questions that all too often flood my mind)
- gratitude (my new years resolution - stop trying to determine whether or not I'm worthy of or deserve all of the blessings in my life. Stop feeling guilty).
*side story: in 8th grade Mrs. B gave us rides to school everyday. She was an incredibly generous woman & coming from a family where we were never really taught how to properly accept gifts, I often found myself feeling obliged to deny her offerings. I will forever be grateful for the fact that one day Mrs. B said to me "Nicole, say "thank you". No need to make a fuss or cause a scene to deny someone the opportunity to express their generosity.
Accept it. Say "Thank You".
This was a life-changing lesson.
I don't understood why it took 11 years for the second portion of this gratitude lesson to come along.
Home for the holidays, my family packed up - 5 adults, 1 minivan for a 26 hour, non-stop (except for the occasional relief of body fluids) drive down to the Florida Keys.
Beaches.
Meals.
Transportation that could take us wherever we wanted to go, however fast we wanted to get there (luxury when you're used to living on 2 wheels, not 4)
Fancy resorts.
Snorkeling.
Luxuries.
"Nicole, you're in AmeriCorps - you're spending a year getting paid practically nothing - it's okay, you deserve a vacation!"
That wasn't a reasonable justification for me.
I felt guilt.
The ease with which my family handed over money for goods & services
was so different compared to the lifestyle I've become accustomed to
in Alaska,
in Rwanda
where every spent dollar was for basic needs
or thought over carefully.
I felt selfish.
I felt unworthy, privileged, undeserving.
Explaining all of this to one of my mom's dearest friends, a woman who is a second mother of my own, she said "Nicole. I wake up everyday & express gratitude."
Acknowledging that yes, she has it quite good, much better than most others,
but rather than hanging herself out to dry in the winds of guilt or the gusts of privilege,
she focuses her energy not on whether or not she's "deserving" (who are we to determine that?)
but on expressing gratitude
for all that she has.
It was as if 1,000lbs was lifted off my shoulders.
Wait wait wait.
I can free myself from my
white guilt
from my
thoughts & feelings of being undeserving
I can drop that weight & float
with the lightness of endless gratitude.
& you know what?
IT WORKS.
For me at least.
It's awesome too,
because even in situations where I so often played the victim,
the "why me??" card
I can now center my attention on all of the positives
rather than the negatives!
Yes, my mother is sick.
But how blessed am I/are we
- that we come from a family where frequent communication & expression of love is a priority
- that our family takes the time to be together, we actually love to spend time together & have spent days/weeks/months of our lives building incredibly special memories in the forms of family trips, dinners, movie nights, boating adventures out on the lake, etc
- that we have health insurance that helps to lift the financial burden of sickness
- that we live in a country where medicine to prolong her life this long is available & accessible to those who can afford it
- that on a daily basis we can all find things worth living for
& the list goes on
& on
& on
the positive.
blessings!
gratitude.
& where I've struggled to find my "religion", my "God"
I feel a peace in my heart.
Gratitude is my religion.
Giving thanks.
-
Flow (thank you, wikipedia)
Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person in an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity. Proposed byMihály Csíkszentmihályi, the positive psychology concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields.[1]
According to Csíkszentmihályi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-mindedimmersion and represents perhaps the ultimate in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning. In flow, the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized, and aligned with the task at hand. To be caught in the ennui of depression or the agitation of anxiety is to be barred from flow. The hallmark of flow is a feeling of spontaneous joy, even rapture, while performing a task[2] although flow is also described (below) as a deep focus on nothing but the activity – not even oneself or one's emotions.
Colloquial terms for this or similar mental states include: to be on the ball, in the moment, present,in the zone, wired in, in the groove, or owning.
When I Flow
- in characters/stories/imagination
- in board games
- bicycling, swimming
- in working with youth
- in play with Brian
- in conversations with friends. giving them my 100%, undivided attention
- *in the past, in writing. In Rwanda, the words poured out of my fingers. I've been on a mental/emotional/physical writer's block since - perhaps with the exception of tonight.
I'd been so caught up in my own "ennui of depression" and "agitation of anxiety" - so concerned with my self, hyper-mega-super-self-aware. I couldn't flow. Nothing flowed. I was constantly analyzing my actions, my words, my self, my physical/mental/emotional responses to my environment/relationships/conversations/triggers.
I was 110%
in my head.
In my head.
I'd never heard that phrase until moving to Alaska.
& then when I did, I had no idea what it meant.
"In my head."
But slowly, slowly
in my search for "happiness"
all I seemed to do was fall
completely, utterly within myself.
We always hear "find happiness within"
"you can't heal others if you can't heal yourself"
I sought out counseling
medication
journaled
blogged, posting incredibly introverted,
"in my head" posts
allowed my self-centered trains of thought
to chuga chuga chuga chuga choo choo
out of my mind
& into self-loathing posts
for the world to see.
Did any of this work?
A couple of months ago I stopped journaling.
I'd been a journaler everysingledaywithoutfail since the age of 15.
& one day,
I stopped.
I stopped posting on this blog.
Did this help?
Eh.
Instead, my partner Brian & I began to focus our attention on training.
A cross-country bicycle ride.
Riding our bikes in this unforgiving Anchorage winter,
training hours on end at the gym,
researching our route, our gear.
Taking my mind off of my mind
by focusing it more on transforming my body
into something strong, a vehicle tough enough to get me across America on 2 wheels.
Did this help?
I think it has.
The major clickers:
a conversation with Brian, his suggestions for healing:
- exercise. exercise. exercise.
- snap out of your self-consciousness by focusing your energy on your actions & others. *stop thinking about "what do I feel?" & start thinking "how are my actions making so&so feel?"
Guess what?
I think he's onto something.
The greatest sense of fulfillment I experience is after a conversation with a friend/youth/stranger
in which he/she/they feel that I have given them my 100% complete attention
where I leave someone feeling as if they have been heard,
perhaps not understood,
but listened to - without passed judgement
just met.
with respect.
heard.
Flow.
I flowed today with a dear friend,
forgot about myself,
escaped my own personal habitude of self-defeating mind games
& poured my energy, my attention into her.
It felt AWESOME.
I flowed the other day on the bus
with a stranger
a homeless man named Jason
who complimented my boots
& my firm handshake
who told me about the pride he feels for Alaska
his home.
These momentary connectons
that lasts minutes,
hours
in which I can make someone else feel heard,
in which I have the opportunity to remind someone of their incredible self-worth
in which I can so willingly give someone the permission he/she/they have been denying themselves,
Flow.
Happiness.
I went inside looking for this.
Lost myself in the maze of my mind
when that was the exact opposite of where I was meant to be.
Maybe I had to lose myself in this
to feel the click
of something better.
something righter for me.
just looked up "swimming" in the dream dictionary, hopefully I'll be coming up for air soon:
Swimming
To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
To dream that you are swimming underwater suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your unconscious emotions
