this is my journal from this exact time last year,

i never noticed it until tonight,

flipping through the pages,

but do you see that little paper peeking out at the bottom?

crazy.

8 may 2010

I think I'm done.

I want to be a PCV.

I want my mom to be healthy.

I don't want to quit.

I don't want to be home.

I want things to be okay.

But they're not.

They're fucked up, really fucked up.

I never wanted any of this.

I never wanted to give up PC.

mother's day 2011

could not be more proud

honey, you've got growin' up to do

today we had a fancy VIP reception for a our big event.

8/9 of the girls on my youth advisory board were in attendance.

there were donation envelopes on the tables - it was a fundraising event.

one of the girls in our group, a beautiful individual who has spent the majority of her life homeless,

had $2 in her wallet.

without even thinking about it,

she filled out the donation slip, slid her bills into the envelope & sealed it shut.

none of the rest of us at the table

even considered making a monetary donation.

her actions & generosity

open my eyes

to the goodness of people in this world.

& make my heart

feel compelled do more.

hold on, i'm gonna make a wish.

the birch tree bark was brown today.

usually it's white.

the sun bounced off of it in shades of gold.

spring.

she don't know she's beautiful

I'm a cheerleader for the empowerment of women & girls.

I'm constantly tearing myself down.

I see beauty in others.

I fail to recognize it in myself.

I'm a feminist.

I'm uncomfortable being "feminine".

I appear to exude confidence.

I wither in insecurity.

I do not see

what others see

in me.

Today I wanted to

take a nap

or read a new book

or do my taxes.

I rearranged the furniture instead.