Grand Rapids, Growing Up, Artists, Abundance, Simplicity

I'm often overwhelmed with the
generosity
beauty
kindness
of the universe & those around me.

It leads me to feel
undeserving
hesitant
skeptical
as well as
warm
hopeful
content.

I need to remind myself
to open my heart towards the world
& simply say
"Thank You".

3 weeks in

I stand in front of the mirror
seeing my naked body in all
for the first time in weeks

most nights we camp,
this is only the second time we've gotten a hotel room
during the 3 weeks of our tour

everything's where it should be
tan lines have grown across my shoulders
my hair is frazzled despite a much needed shower last night
& my faithful pooch rests right below my belly button
where she has always been

I feel a sense of failure
had I been expecting a grand transformation?

I think of the things I feed myself day to day
oatmeal smothered with hot chocolate mix & peanut butter
PB&J tortillas for lunch
ice cream & chocolaty granola bars for snacks
french fries when we wish
lentils & tortillas for dinner
occasional potato chips

it doesn't seem that bad when I type it out,
but my cravings for chocolate have been unusually high
these past 3 weeks

& then I kick myself
this body,
she has gotten you over mountains!
she is biking 40-50miles a day for you!
she has adjusted to carry not only you & your bike,
but an additional 50lbs of weight
across deserts for you!

how can you be so ungrateful?!

Bless your arms
& your shoulders!
which have grown so strong

Bless your legs
which pump endlessly for you
sun up to sun down

Bless your pooch!
For at the end of this journey,
it may be the only recognizable trademark left
to connect you from past to present

Give yourself permission to
Feed your body
Fuel your body
Appreciate your body

She is good to you.
Love her.

acting out of fear? good intentions? does it matter?

scenario:

you landlord gives you a check for your last month of rent & your security deposit.

the check is written out for $1,200.

you paid $533 for the last month of rent

& $533 for the security deposit.

what you expected to get was a check for $1,066.

$1,200-$1,066=$144 difference.

what do you do?

do you keep the $144 difference & chalk it up to

- well - I'm broke, about to head off biking cross-country, plus - I put up with the monster in the basement for months - this is just a little bonus that makes up for it.

do you give back the $144 thinking

- yeah, we could really use that money for our bike trip, plus we're poor - but later he'll realize his mistake & there'll be nothing he can do about it, so I'd better just do the "right thing" and return the money now.

- I need all the good karma I can get. If I accidently overpaid someone, I'd want them to let me know.

- keeping this money is a Sin. God will punish me for sinning.

Either way - if you give the money back, aren't you just acting out of fear?

Fear of God, of doing the "wrong thing" & getting bad karma

How many of us,

when given the chance to do "good" or

to do the "right thing"

make that choice from our hearts

or make that choice from fear?

Does it matter your reasoning behind your actions of "good"

or is it just more important that you're doing "good"?

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking - H Jackson Brown Jr

peeking into the future

vision of brian's face

full of surprise, joy, pride

as our child successfully takes off down the road on his bike for the first time.

warm sunshine light

feeling of

"we did it, partner"

the unanswered call. crosswalks.

*not as deep as the ocean, more like a kiddy pool.

hey! how are you?

I'm fine. how are you?

what's up?

not much. what's up with you?

i love you.(?)

i love you too.(?)

call & response

the unanswered call:

i love you.

is

i love you too

expected?

does the call & response of it all

detract the meaning of the simple words

the same way people hardly give any care

or attention

to the response of a person after posing the question

how are you?

i love you.

let it stand

on its own

feel the weight

these are not fragile words

that one must swoop after

to prevent them from crashing on the floor.

feel their weight.

let them stand alone.

do you give a compliment to get a compliment?

shall we

give our love

like we give our compliments?

whole-heartedly

because making others feel good

makes us feel good

at least this is the case for me.

i love you.

the unanswered call.

it's not a call.

it's a statement.

requiring no response.

accept love.

feel it.

let it sit within you

& warm you

inside out.

--

crosswalks

the light to the left gives me the go

but i don't want to go left

i want to go straight.

do i go left anyway?

jump at the opportunity to go

just because it's there.

when going left will actually take me twice as long to get where i want to go

left, left, left

do i really want to take 3 lefts

to get where i'm going?

just because i can

or shall i wait?

patiently

for my light

sometimes you have to take those lefts

just to find where you're meant to go

but once that destination is visible,

you get tired of jumping on lefts

just because those lights say

go!

now!

& you're ready to wait

a little bit longer

to take the most direct route

that's how i feel about grad school

i've taken my lefts

to camp

to rwanda

to alaska

& they've all helped me to find my right

i'm waiting at the light.

losing myself in flow

many dreams about swimming.

always swimming.

(note to self: look it up)

I've been asked a few times recently why I haven't been writing.

I'm working on a few things lately,

- a lack of self-consciousness (focusing my energy & actions on others as a way to escape the on-going doubts/anxieties/questions that all too often flood my mind)

- gratitude (my new years resolution - stop trying to determine whether or not I'm worthy of or deserve all of the blessings in my life. Stop feeling guilty).

*side story: in 8th grade Mrs. B gave us rides to school everyday. She was an incredibly generous woman & coming from a family where we were never really taught how to properly accept gifts, I often found myself feeling obliged to deny her offerings. I will forever be grateful for the fact that one day Mrs. B said to me "Nicole, say "thank you". No need to make a fuss or cause a scene to deny someone the opportunity to express their generosity.

Accept it. Say "Thank You".

This was a life-changing lesson.

I don't understood why it took 11 years for the second portion of this gratitude lesson to come along.

Home for the holidays, my family packed up - 5 adults, 1 minivan for a 26 hour, non-stop (except for the occasional relief of body fluids) drive down to the Florida Keys.

Beaches.

Meals.

Transportation that could take us wherever we wanted to go, however fast we wanted to get there (luxury when you're used to living on 2 wheels, not 4)

Fancy resorts.

Snorkeling.

Luxuries.

"Nicole, you're in AmeriCorps - you're spending a year getting paid practically nothing - it's okay, you deserve a vacation!"

That wasn't a reasonable justification for me.

I felt guilt.

The ease with which my family handed over money for goods & services

was so different compared to the lifestyle I've become accustomed to

in Alaska,

in Rwanda

where every spent dollar was for basic needs

or thought over carefully.

I felt selfish.

I felt unworthy, privileged, undeserving.

Explaining all of this to one of my mom's dearest friends, a woman who is a second mother of my own, she said "Nicole. I wake up everyday & express gratitude."

Acknowledging that yes, she has it quite good, much better than most others,

but rather than hanging herself out to dry in the winds of guilt or the gusts of privilege,

she focuses her energy not on whether or not she's "deserving" (who are we to determine that?)

but on expressing gratitude

for all that she has.

It was as if 1,000lbs was lifted off my shoulders.

Wait wait wait.

I can free myself from my

white guilt

from my

thoughts & feelings of being undeserving

I can drop that weight & float

with the lightness of endless gratitude.

& you know what?

IT WORKS.

For me at least.

It's awesome too,

because even in situations where I so often played the victim,

the "why me??" card

I can now center my attention on all of the positives

rather than the negatives!

Yes, my mother is sick.

But how blessed am I/are we

• that we come from a family where frequent communication & expression of love is a priority
• that our family takes the time to be together, we actually love to spend time together & have spent days/weeks/months of our lives building incredibly special memories in the forms of family trips, dinners, movie nights, boating adventures out on the lake, etc
• that we have health insurance that helps to lift the financial burden of sickness
• that we live in a country where medicine to prolong her life this long is available & accessible to those who can afford it
• that on a daily basis we can all find things worth living for

& the list goes on

& on

& on

the positive.

blessings!

gratitude.

& where I've struggled to find my "religion", my "God"

I feel a peace in my heart.

Gratitude is my religion.

Giving thanks.

-

Flow (thank you, wikipedia)

Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person in an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity. Proposed byMihály Csíkszentmihályi, the positive psychology concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields.^[1]

According to Csíkszentmihályi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-mindedimmersion and represents perhaps the ultimate in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning. In flow, the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized, and aligned with the task at hand. To be caught in the ennui of depression or the agitation of anxiety is to be barred from flow. The hallmark of flow is a feeling of spontaneous joy, even rapture, while performing a task^[2] although flow is also described (below) as a deep focus on nothing but the activity – not even oneself or one's emotions.

Colloquial terms for this or similar mental states include: to be on the ball, in the moment, present,in the zone, wired in, in the groove, or owning.

When I Flow

- in characters/stories/imagination

- in board games

- bicycling, swimming

- in working with youth

- in play with Brian

- in conversations with friends. giving them my 100%, undivided attention

- *in the past, in writing. In Rwanda, the words poured out of my fingers. I've been on a mental/emotional/physical writer's block since - perhaps with the exception of tonight.

I'd been so caught up in my own "ennui of depression" and "agitation of anxiety" - so concerned with my self, hyper-mega-super-self-aware. I couldn't flow. Nothing flowed. I was constantly analyzing my actions, my words, my self, my physical/mental/emotional responses to my environment/relationships/conversations/triggers.

I was 110%

in my head.

In my head.

I'd never heard that phrase until moving to Alaska.

& then when I did, I had no idea what it meant.

"In my head."

But slowly, slowly

in my search for "happiness"

all I seemed to do was fall

completely, utterly within myself.

We always hear "find happiness within"

"you can't heal others if you can't heal yourself"

I sought out counseling

medication

journaled

blogged, posting incredibly introverted,

"in my head" posts

allowed my self-centered trains of thought

to chuga chuga chuga chuga choo choo

out of my mind

& into self-loathing posts

for the world to see.

Did any of this work?

A couple of months ago I stopped journaling.

I'd been a journaler everysingledaywithoutfail since the age of 15.

& one day,

I stopped.

I stopped posting on this blog.

Did this help?

Eh.

Instead, my partner Brian & I began to focus our attention on training.

A cross-country bicycle ride.

Riding our bikes in this unforgiving Anchorage winter,

training hours on end at the gym,

researching our route, our gear.

Taking my mind off of my mind

by focusing it more on transforming my body

into something strong, a vehicle tough enough to get me across America on 2 wheels.

Did this help?

I think it has.

The major clickers:

a conversation with Brian, his suggestions for healing:

• exercise. exercise. exercise.
• snap out of your self-consciousness by focusing your energy on your actions & others. *stop thinking about "what do I feel?" & start thinking "how are my actions making so&so feel?"

Guess what?

I think he's onto something.

The greatest sense of fulfillment I experience is after a conversation with a friend/youth/stranger

in which he/she/they feel that I have given them my 100% complete attention

where I leave someone feeling as if they have been heard,

perhaps not understood,

but listened to - without passed judgement

just met.

with respect.

heard.

Flow.

I flowed today with a dear friend,

forgot about myself,

escaped my own personal habitude of self-defeating mind games

& poured my energy, my attention into her.

It felt AWESOME.

I flowed the other day on the bus

with a stranger

a homeless man named Jason

who complimented my boots

& my firm handshake

who told me about the pride he feels for Alaska

his home.

These momentary connectons

that lasts minutes,

hours

in which I can make someone else feel heard,

in which I have the opportunity to remind someone of their incredible self-worth

in which I can so willingly give someone the permission he/she/they have been denying themselves,

Flow.

Happiness.

I went inside looking for this.

Lost myself in the maze of my mind

when that was the exact opposite of where I was meant to be.

Maybe I had to lose myself in this

to feel the click

of something better.

something righter for me.

just looked up "swimming" in the dream dictionary, hopefully I'll be coming up for air soon:

Swimming

To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

To dream that you are swimming underwater suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your unconscious emotions

first dreams of 2012

- giving a 3 min long speech to youth who wouldn't respond to me. asked them to stand up & touch their toes 3 times, to get them involved. no change. the bell rings, they're gone.

- visiting mom's old classroom. it's a room that turns into a huge yard - full of animals, including a baby bear. lots of fish tanks with exotic fish, wild birds, etc. Max is still there.

- riding a recumbent bicycle (that was actually a lawn chair), peddling was difficult, on dirt trails. friends comparing eyebrows in photos, ordered Indian food - from India. Free shipping even though it would normally cost $89.