I am not used to being just "okay"

30 October 2009

I have class in just half an hour, but I felt the need to get this down in text form this morning (Shea- I'm sorry, you'll be getting a letter about this.. next month).

... people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.
- Eat, Pray, Love

Something I am really struggling with here is being average, mediocre. Here, I mean, in this Peace Corps trainee group, I don't feel like I stand out, I don't feel like I am extraordinary or special in any way. I'm not awesome with Kinyarwanda, I haven't taught any really exceptional lessons (I haven't taught yet in general, but even when I do, I am nervous that I will just fall flat on my face - which is to be expected from time to time I suppose). I don't find myself going above and beyond with anything to make myself stand out in the crowd.

At home I am, or I guess more accurately I *was a good student, a RA, a volunteer, a swimmer.. ect.
At home I am good at what I do.
Here, who am I?
I'm that white girl who walks around town with a 'tude (ignoring questions for money, avoiding eye contact with men) and who can hardly follow a simple conversation.

I know Peace Corps is super competitive (we all got into this program for one reason or another) and this group of people, in general, IS an exceptional group of individuals, right? I mean, otherwise they wouldn't be here. So maybe that's part of it. Maybe I am not used to constantly being surrounded by "the cream of the crop" (although I don't feel like that accurately describes everyone here - at least socially I suppose). I imagine it like this, I heard a story once about an orientation day at UofM. The tour guide/group leader/whoever said to the group of incoming freshmen, "raise your hand if you were one of the best in your class". Everyone in the crowd raises a hand. The tour guide says to the students "take a look around, think you're someone special here?".

That's kind of how I feel. Unless I am walking in town (with all eyes on me), I take a look around the room and think, well, what makes me stand out?

Another possible explanation is that I am working so hard just to adjust to being here, day to day *emotional and physical survival.. so much so that I don't have the energy or strength to put efforts into anything else. I am out of my element here. I don't speak the language, I don't design my schedule.. I don't have but a few close friends here.. Maybe once I feel more comfortable, once I am better with the language, once I can work up some confidence again, then maybe I will find ways to go the extra mile. (I guess there's no point in spending energy being upset about things beyond my control- like my schedule- huh?). At my site, I really do want to start a girls club to talk about health and women's issues, I do want to really connect with Rwandans and feel like I belong here.

This PST (pre-service training) isn't doing wonders for my self-esteem. Yesterday we had a speaking test all morning. I hate how competitive things are, I feel like I must constantly compare my progress to others in our group (and I feel like that's what our teachers are doing too - I think part of this is a cultural thing - here it sounds like humiliation is used as a means to make kids want to do better.. by pointing out their weaknesses compared to classmates). Shoot, I am not a competitive person, I prefer to go for Personal Records (PR's - aww, swimming) rather than to worry about racing the person next to me. Talking with other trainees who were Mauritania volunteers (their program was shut down for safety reasons - creates a really weird group dynamic here, let me tell ya..), it seems like what I'm feeling is pretty normal, that my feelings are valid. I was told today that training isn't Peace Corps, it's just some of the hardest stuff we have to get through in order to get to the good part.

I know I should probably give myself some more credit, another trainee went home this week. I'm still here, aren't I? But I suppose that's not enough. I believe in the whole idea of "you get out of it what you put into it" and I think one of these days, I will be able to put in more than just floating by. For now though, I think I will worry more about my heart and soul - it'd be impossible to give myself wholly to this without either of those two fully intact in the first place.

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it."

How do I find ways to be self-sufficently happy? Is it possible? I am afraid that right now a lot of my happiness (or even sometimes lack thereof) comes from the other side of the world. I don't think people realize just how much their messages, letters, emails mean to me. They're great, and I don't want them to stop, but I also don't want my entire emotional well-being to be dependent on them, especially when I know you all are busy and have your own lives going on! Please, when you can, keep the love coming, it makes all the difference on my end, and in the mean time I'll keep working on things over here.

I did join Peace Corps to be dragged out of my comfort zone after all, right?

Happy Halloween, I miss you all so much.