4 march 2010
the landscape is changing all around me, as the seasons flux between wet and dry, women, young and old as well as men, spend strings of entire days on end out cultivating on the mountain sides - preparing the Earth to show off her strength and magic as the production of future crops are only months away. Seeing ground that was once green with beans now brown with seeds, and the ongoing changing patterns of the quilted hills, I have to ask myself what kind of changes are going on in the landscape of myself.
there are obvious things.
it amazes me how in such a short period of time, I can go from being too intimidated to leave my house due to the "muzungu, muzungu"s that always flooded my ears. now though, I feel more or less comfortable to walk alone to my favorite sot, Musangabo, and rather than adults and children gawking with their "musungus", they now greet me as Umunezero and ask where I'm going, where I'm coming from.. their hands too busy with farming tools to reach out for money.. which thankfully is a much less frequent occurrence these days anyway.
I also don't feel so trapped within the confines of my school grounds. I now make trips to and from town to buy fresh fruits and vegetables at the market and to check the mail at the post on a weekly basis. It's really nice being able to catch a bike taxi and then the bus to town without relying on someone else to arrange the transportation for me. Sometimes I actually feel guilty for this new sense of independence, thinking that maybe my school director would be offended by my lack of need on his part, but at the same time, I'm sure he's also relieved that his muzungu is figuring things out for herself, he has a family to feed (not that he actually ever does any of the cooking) and a school to run, so his hands are full without worrying about how I'm coming along.
Now that I'm also figuring out how to cook as well, and have a gas stove, making it less of a chore to prepare meals that require only a bit of boiling, my tummy that was wasting away is now starting to fill out again. Not sure if this is a good thing, Commander Charles told me last time he saw me, "Oh, you're getting big!".. I explained to him that that's not necessarily a good thing in my culture. Whereas here it means simply that I look healthy, at home, roundness comes with a whole slew of other connotations... but then I got tired of trying to defend an aspect of my culture that I don't personally stand for or believe in. So I give up. If I'm getting big, I'm getting big and I'm going to try to accept that and love myself regardless.
Another change is my relationships. Rather than being quite as focused on what's going on with my Peace Corps, American friends, I have found myself putting more time and energy into the bonds that are forming with Rwandans. There's Jean Jacques - who's in America for a work/holiday at the moment, Adeline - I unfortunately have less time to spend with her these days being that school has started and I now spend most of my nights either teaching or preparing lessons, but there's her brothers as well, a couple of which I find I keep in contact with on a fairly regular basis. they always ask me to pass on their regards to Papa Shrek and Adeline and I feel kind of silly being a means of communication between sons and father, but at the same time, I'm glad for the opportunity and for the fact that they care to message me. Part of one of my most recent emails from a brother was:
how is life going? i always ask you this because i think it is somehow difficult to an American people to live in a country like kagogo where u can not access to internet, no electricity,....
but you know what? you are one of people who surprised me! the way you got familiar with our environment, the way you are kind, .....that's really good, i wish you to keep on like that because you will help us to leave some african cultures and to live like Americans!
Although I don't wan to go changing their culture, it's just really nice to have this kind of contact with someone my own age.
I'm really falling for my students as well. Joking, teasing. I borrowed a friend's idea of having them make name tags (just index cards with their names on them) to raise when they want to be called on in class - and I'm finding I'm quickly picking up more and more not just on their names but on their personalities as well.
i think along the same lines of comfort, just walking into my house could tell you that it's starting to feel more and more like a home. I have piles of what I like to call "comfortable clutter" all over the place - a reflection of actually living here, a sign of a life that's keeping me busy, lessons, students, responsibilities, making chores fall by the wayside.. which is a type of lifestyle that I would prefer rather than having nothing other than housework to do.
Shoot, despite the chewed up undies mishap last week or so, even my relationship with my rat neighbors is improving. I hardly scream anymore when I see them!
so all of these things are visible to the eye.. changes that affect my social life, my daily routine, ect. what I'm most curious about is what the landscape of my heart looks like right about now. Or that of my perspective, my take on life and the world. These things - I mean, I've been living in Africa for 5 months now, 2 of those, all on my own. Some changes have to be taking place, I just can't even begin to imagine what they might be or how they might manifest themselves in my future, in my goals, ideals, values, decisions.
I've seen people deeply moved by a one or three month long trip to Africa - as I said, it's been 5 so far, and God willing, there will be many more to come, I think these things though, I don't think I'll understand all of the transformations taking place inside of me until I leave this context, this new sense of "norms" - such as life without running water, with only a hole in the ground to call a toilet, where washing my laundry takes all afternoon, where you greet every single person that you meet by shaking their hand, no matter how dirt stained it may be (and that says a lot for a girl who was quite the germ-a-phobe in America).. where your food choices are limited to some sort of combination of the same 5 veggies every single meal, where phone calls are charged by the second, making real conversations a thing of American connivence, where the weather really affects nearly every aspect of your daily life, and on and on.
My dear friend Stephanie, from KP, mentioned in a letter that arrived around the 3.5 or 4 month mark, that after being here for that long, I will have adjusted to all of these things - the difficulties and challenges of just living without the luxuries we so often take for granted in the States - and having accomplished that, I will be able to build upon more important things - such as my goals and relationships, not just with friends, family and local villagers, but also the one I have with myself.
She was absolutely right. It don't hesitate to squat to use the toilet, and I think I'm pretty clever how I've been taking advantage of all the rain to collect water in my buckets, making it so that i haven't had to have a boy fetch water for me in weeks.. so now that I've jumped those hurdles, the other things, I'm finally getting to the good stuff.
It's funny because I'm a pretty outgoing, social person - and many people here assume that I'm lonely, in that sometimes, after classes and whatnot, I tend to keep to myself. Truth be told, I really enjoy this alone time with me. With my thoughts, with my feelings. Sometimes it's good to just sit and think and let the moment wash over me. I know that the second I step off a plane in America again, the fact that I'd just spent however long living in Africa as a Peace Corps Volunteer will seem like a dream. I wonder what life will be like when at 24 years old, I will have experienced such a deep, world rocking trip - last night I found myself unable to sleep, laying in bed wondering what the next adventure will be, and how could it ever top the opportunity I have at hand right now? So many dreams, what will I do first? But then the thought of what society tells me I should want - a husband, a good job, a family, a big, flat-screen tv, tickets to the latest Hollywood production, ect. slaps me in my face. what If I end up 30 years old without any of those things? What If I'm 30 years old and I've spent all those years between now and then living in all different parts of the world, meeting and celebrating different cultures with different people - and what if I don't have a Masters or a big savings account to show for all of my time, but just pre-mature laugh lines forming around my eyes and some of the most colorful pictures in my photo albums that you've ever seen.
Well who's to say that these things aren't just as, if not more fulfilling than an annual salary. I don't want to give up my dreams just because someone else is trying to program them for me (not that there's anything wrong with wanting these "American dreams", I just don't think there's anything wrong with wanting my own either). Maybe I seem naive and idealistic, but I guess that's the person I am right now and that's the person I'm learning to love.
I think I'll go make lunch now. Cheers.
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