hesitation

hesitation to give it my all

like a child hesitant to swim after falling into the deep end

like a man hesitant to open his fragile heart after having shared it with careless arms.

I gave Rwanda my all

I dove head first into my village

the relationships

the classroom

the hand scrubbing laundry

the undies eating rats

the terrifying kitten

the wordless praise for some kind of higher power

I threw myself in

& left my floaties at shore

and that's just who I am.

that's just what I do.

I lose myself so passionately

so fully

& I come to Alaska

and I go to the grocery store

but.

will I really need all of these kitchen necessities?

I set up a room, I create my nest

but.

will I be forced to pack it all up again tomorrow?

I feel the seeds of friendship being planted

but.

will these just lead to more teary-eyed goodbyes?

And I know there's no guarantees,

Rwanda

& my whole hearted immersion,

I wouldn't have changed or taken back a thing

even if i'd known how unexpectedly & abruptly it was all to end.

That is how I want to live.

That is who I am.

But like you learn not to touch the hot frying pan twice,

my heart is pulling back,

digging its heals into the ground.

Slow down, Nicole.

I haven't even recovered from the last heart break.

This is a rebound,

you're fragile.

Do you really want to do this again?

Can you really put yourself out there again?

Is this really the wisest thing to do?

No.

No, my heart.

I see where you are coming from

and I understand there is still an open wound

but I promise you that I am here with only the best intentions

and that someday that wound, which aches with pain

will be filled once again with love

and that love will heal you

and I believe

I am here

because you can't hear it, but you're telling me

that this is where I'm meant to be.

& this will lead me to that healing love.

You are too crippled to understand,

you cry out too loudly with pain

to hear your own words

which whisper to me in the strangest of ways

in french phrases and in kindness of strangers

that tell me

nicole,

it's okay.

nicole,

trust.

nicole,

it is time to love again.