my boss says I'm gonna have high blood pressure.

dear 70 year old nicole,

do you love yourself, 100%, unconditionally?

i hope so.

love,

23 year old nicole

i think i need to experience Peace Corps round 2

you, me & the bourgeoisie - the submarines

Finally - a song singing the tune in my heart.

Here I am with all the pleasures of the first world
Laid out before me, who am I to breakdown?

Everyday I wake up, I choose love, I choose light
And I try, it's too easy just to fall apart

Oh, my baby don't be so distressed
We're done with politesse
It's time to be so brutally honest about
The way we know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

And here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up, we choose love, we choose light
And we try, it's too easy just to fall apart

Plastic bottles, imported water
Cars we drive wherever we want to
Clothes we buy, it's sweatshop labor
Drugs from corporate enablers
We're not living the good life
Unless we're fighting the good fight
You and me just trying to get it right

In the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up, we choose love, we choose light
And we try, it's too easy just to fall apart

Love can free us from all excess
From our deepest debt
'Cause when our hearts are full we need much less

Yeah, I know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

But here we are, in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up, we choose love, we choose light
And we try, it's too easy just to fall apart

listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEqutXnp0Vc

sometimes you gotta start clean
you gotta begin not begin again

the fridge sounds like the ocean.

one day you wake up

& picking up dog poop from the floor doesn't make you dry-heave anymore.

I think that's how you know that living in Africa has made you stronger.

physically. emotionally. me.

i want

so desperately

to feel good about myself again.

please.

today I went for a walk.

I saw a pile of moose poop on the sidewalk - tiny, little turds. you'd be surprised, big pile, small turds.

I heard water dripping. this might seem like no big deal, but this was the first time I heard water dripping outside in. i don't even know how long. the temperature was up to about 35 degrees today - Anchorage is melting. it's a beautiful thing!

I smelled fish. I don't know why, but one house I walked by just smelled so much of fish. Not cooked, not smoked - just fishy fish.

I felt the pavement below my feet. It's not often here you can walk somewhere with much confidence that your not about to spill on your ass. The ice on the sidewalks & roads is usually a couple of inches thick - at least. With these warmer temperatures though, the middle of the road is generally starting to clear up so I kept my ears alert for vehicles & wandered down the street with enough friction between my boots & the ground to feel solid on my feet for the first time in a long time.

I tasted a bit of freedom. Wandering after work hours, in the sunshine. No longer confined to my bedroom in the dark after 4:00 - just me, my feet, the blue sky & mountains.

ps look who stopped by last night. baby moose on the loose.

the puzzle fell apart & won't fit back together the way it once did

my idealism is being pushed out of my heart

by "realists" and negativity.

i don't know what's left in there

and i don't know where this is coming from.

a helplessness

a hopelessness

a guilt

a desperation

a realization of my own naiveté.

what is wrong with me?

i was one of those girls who wanted to 'save the world'

& now the idea just seems absurd.

the world. really?

& how were you going to do that, nicole?

with a big hug?

you think your love can heal the world?

i'm afraid i'm about to set sail on a sea of apathy.

what would it take to change the winds?

sometimes we all need some alone time.

sitting

rwanda 2010

alaska 2011

busses

it seems like every now and again I find myself on a bus

I could have never, ever imagined that I'd one day ride.

In Maine it was a school bus,

wizzing through the winding roads and woods of Raymond,

an energy of excitement & impromptu boy band choruses in the air -

into the bustling traffic of Portland,

taking loads of kids downtown for a Sea Dogs game.

In Rwanda,

my gaze was lost out the window

as I sat in my tie dye tshirt & wax print headband,

sweating, wide-eyed, watching the green hills roll by

as people walked all too close to the path our little virunga

full of muzungus

zipping by.

Today,

after 3 hours of sleep & a pounding headache induced

by the discovery of peppermint patty delights,

I scratched the ice off the windows of our unheated school bus

on this 12 degree day,

making our way to Willow

to find snow capped mountains, typically seen from the Cook Inlet,

looking larger & closer than ever before.

Usually when I'm on one of these busses,

well, here I am again on a bus,

in this strange land, so unlike the lands before

with people who are new to me

and I'm so far from home

how did I end up on this bus?

crosses my mind.

I was a bit too sleepy to think it all through this morning,

but every now & again I'd rustle out of my slumber to hear a man over the bus radio announce

check out the moose grazing to your left

Denali is visible in the distance over there!

Well folks, here we are - Iditarod 2011.

Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

Today we received a couple of boxes of book donations. It was my task to sort through them, divide them into reading levels & then count them all up. I couldn't come across this one without taking a moment to flip through the pages. It's absolutely an Oh, The Places You'll Go! kinda day.

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!