(i've stopped writing in my journal - because the paper was rough & hard to write on). so I unload here.

over this year, I've noticed several differences.

as I kind of distanced (under-exaggeration - I did anything & everything to very strategically depict myself in a particular way any given day - happy photos, affirming statuses intertwined with doubt & self-loathing) myself from the sharing-world,

these differences may be less obvious to outsiders.

one major change, I've noticed

is an attitude adjustment.

I've put on new glasses,

I'm seeing life through new lens.

I thought myself to be a victim of shitty life circumstances.

I was upset, I was confused.

I was pushing my unhappiness off

in any direction

but inward.

Now,

I feel as though some clarity,

time & distance

love & help

has allowed me step into new shoes.

To see myself as an active player

in the decision making process

after being dealt that hand of cards.

Seeing myself as a responder

rather than victim

is empowering,

liberating.

Which brings me to my second thought;

maybe I saw myself in such a shitty light for so long

because I was unconsciously disgusted with the way in which I was handling things.

I can do better,

but for a while there, I thought I was

worthless.

small.

(& maybe, in that state of shock, I was).

victim.

woe-is-me.

tears. tears.

pity.

who are you?

what can you offer this world?

what do you know?

why should anyone care?

breathe.

you are deserving,

I know you don't believe it now,

but maybe if you say it to yourself several times a day,

maybe then you'll start to believe it's true.

happiness.

what is this?

I've searched for so long.

Running.

undeserving.

NO, Nicole.

embrace it.

it's here, for you.

affirmations.

evolving.

I am worthy.

I am learning.

I will get better.

Be patient.