note to self:

loosen up.

i am embarrassed by how up-tight and highly strung i can be.
at times,
my anxiety shoots through the roof.
i panic if someone is waiting on something (an answer, a time, a number) from me
& i cannot give it to them until i get it from someone else.
i do not like being the middle man with a hot potato of information,
it burns my fingertips
& keeps me on my toes,
unable to settle until the message has been properly delivered.

i set rather high expectations for myself
but hate it when others hold expectations for me.
i don't make promises
i'm afraid that i cannot keep.
i'm very superstitious
& fear jinxing my path or that of others.

sometimes i am unmotivated
but other times, i am so overly motivated
with a dozen different things i want to achieve
but my energy quickly burns up
being torn in so many different directions
& nothing gets accomplished.

is it easier to start a rock rolling
or stop a rolling rock?

i always feel the need to jump in,
taking on too much to drop some later
because i'm afraid that if i take on too little
i will never pick up more.

we get comfortable in the groves of laziness
and little pokes & prods
a new job
a new club
a new hobby
disrupt our current of ease,
only for the water
to roll over the broken surface
& smooth the stones
of change
allowing the flow
of idleness
to continue.

anger.
so concentrated
so focused
so burning blue
boils inside of me
from time to time.

how do i
put out
the fire?

s-t-r-e-t-c-h.
where are my flexible muscles?
bend with the winds
accept unexpected turns
ease into the disruptions
& setbacks

rather than stand
rigid
alone.

arms wide open
to welcome
others
under my wing
to lean
on a friend
in times of need
to adjust
my sails
in times of change

please
r
e
l
a
x.

whisper
your worries
to the dolls
& tuck them
safely
under
your pillow

allow the darkness of night
& the brightness of day
to carry them out into the universe
& free your mind
to the possibility
of every waking moment.

life is so beautiful. enjoy it.

ain't got room for that!

so I have
1 suitcase
1 backpack
& 1 duffelbag.

I'm really gonna do my best to leave the emotional baggage behind this time around [for good].

goals for 2011 (subject to change)

new years resolution:
do what you love
& fuck the rest
(littlemisssunshine)


alaska (&life) specific:
- join a yoga studio
- learn to cook (or survive off of cereal)
- learn to grocery shop (I imagine it'll be much more difficult when there's more than 2 options; beans or potatoes)
- take pictures, naturally
- read!
- become a hiker; one of those people who lives to hike & hikes to live
- camp (no bears!)
- see Alaska
- get a second job in a friendly mom&pop diner or cafe (to afford yoga class & meet locals)
- get a bike during the warmer months
- get comfortable with the cold
- get comfortable with being alone
- become a good penpal again

half the sky

Organizations supporting women:
(ideas for the future)

Family Care International - works to improve the maternal health, primarily in Africa, Latin America & the Caribbean.
www.familycareintl.org

Heal Africa - runs a hospital in Goma, Congo, that repairs fistulas & tends to rape victims. Welcomes volunteers.
www.healafrica.org

Pathfinder International - supports reproductive health in more than 25 countries
www.pathfind.org

Self Employed Women's Association (SEWA) - is a huge union for poor, self-employed women in India. Accepts volunteers.
www.sewa.org

Tostan - one of the most successful organizations in overcoming female genital cutting in Africa. Accepts interns.
www.tostan.org

*Women for Women International - connects women sponsors with needy women in conflict or post-conflict countries
www.womenforwomen.org

a "path" in my head:
- move to Anchorage
- Americorps//I'm not sure yet about my placement & won't be until I get there and interview.

Several places have expressed interest in interviewing me, the 2 that I am most excited about are:
AWAIC (Abused Women's Aid in Crisis) - a shelter for women where I would be their career service specialist (helping women to search for jobs, create resumes & submit applications)
&
Anchorage's Promise - where I would be a Youth Services Co-Coordinator where I would help with the development and coordination of the VolunTeen Program as well as provide support for MAJOR events (15-20,000 people) such as Kids Day & Global Youth Service Day


I am particularly interested in serving with Anchorage's Promise because
1. I love the idea of helping to get kids excited about volunteering and
2. in the future, I am considering going to grad school for a MSW (Masters in Social Work).
- Practice Method: Community Organization
- Practice Area: Children & Youth in Families and Society (or) Comminty & Social Systems (or) Health
I'd really love to specialize in community development or something along those lines and I think that helping to coordinate an event like Global Youth Service Day that demonstrates that I already have experience with community development would be a huge plus!

so there's that.
2011 - Americorps in Anchorage
2012 - again? earn even more money for grad school?
2013 - UofM school of Social Work
2014 - UofM school of Social Work

IF I go to UofM, I want to be in this program:
Global Activities Scholars Program
Approximately six incoming students will be selected each year to complete a global field placement during the spring/summer term. The purpose of the program is to provide students committed to global social work practice an opportunity to live in a foreign country while completing a part of their field placement requirement.
(http://www.ssw.umich.edu/finaid/msw/GASP.html)

THEN
I'd love to get a job somewhere with one of the above listed organizations, or find a different one that suits my interests OR start my own.

..just thoughts in my head..

8 january 2011

today in Anchorage:
sunrise 10:07am
sunset 4:06pm

nothing but sunshine in the 10 day forecast!

the breakup

27 december 2010

The last 6 months,

Africa

America

african american white girl

culture shock - walmart, white people, running water, wealth, consumerism, disgust

cancer

Africa - goodbyes, despair

America - sunken heart

friends

family

the most humiliating evening of my life

summer camp

doubt

tears

conflict

grad school?

confusion

heart break

loss

unfulfilled hugs & needs for affection

reaching for the unknown

hope, hopeless

pitiful

alaska

north carolina

inspiration

i'm gonna do what i want

panic

unsettled

anxious

familiar faces

friendship

christmas

I haven't written in a long time. Or I have, but not publicly - and nothing to the extent with which it once poured so naturally out of me.

I've experienced breakups before - in fact I think I've been going through one for the last 2 years. & this one, this most recent one I've been trudging through for the past 6 months, it shares all the same challenges that have come with previous disintegrating relationships;

I still look through our old photos together, the films made throughout

I've kept all of our love letters, all of my diary entries documenting our highs & lows

I keep in touch with our old friends for updates every now & then

I still see you in my dreams

I still shed tears

My heart still aches

and as I've learned through the mistakes of past breakups, I should just let it go. I need to snap out of the past & get on with the present. I need to move on, to take it for what it was, a great adventure of the heart and put it neatly into a shoe box - tuck it under my bed to explore years down the road when the power of time has washed away all waves of pain that overcome me now,

but I can't.

The reminders of this relationship are not only all around me, in treasures, time capsules of color, texture and scent that transport me to another world,

but the remnants of this relationship have transgressed my being, seeped into my spirit, becoming a part of who I am; the thoughts that escape my head à travers my lips, the perspective I have of the world through these eyes.

it's there

& I don't want that to fade.

I am a better person because of our time together,

a stronger person

and at times I doubt I'll ever love again.

I will try, but your warmth, your heart, your rhythm, your appreciation for everything beautiful & true

I'm sorry, mama Africa,

but I believe we will be reunited one day

& as pathetic as it may be,

I just can't let you go.

the difference one year can make

me & santa

christmas 2009