25

she likes important things
like good lighting in a room
& incense
bike rides
& watching the stars

i do like my routines.
i really do.

words from mom

We're proud of you.
You might not hear that enough.

taking a moment

I have conquered my fear of heights enough to climb to the top of the rock climbing wall, take photos of children making their way up & get back down - without wasting any time or energy experiencing fear. 
This feels SO good.  Plus the shots of kids from the top are amazing.  The light is perfect, their eyes & smiles pop - magazine cover quality photos.

Rather than drowning my brain in non-stop junk-food tunes on Pandora & updates on Facebook, I have found myself seeking out worldly knowledge both in the form of online news & NPR.

In general I feel much more self-aware, recognizing negative thoughts & anxiety, then doing my best to dismiss these from my mind. 

A fun story:
The other day in Portland, Brian & I came across a small tucked-away store front featuring wax-print fabrics & a picture of Africa. I told Brian we needed to stop in, it would only take a minute. Walking in was like taking a step into a past life. Seeing 3 very African men upon entering the store, I immediately asked "Where are you guys from?" - "Rwanda" was their response. "Oya! Nibgo?!" (No way, is it true?!) From there we had a brilliant conversation in Kinyarwanda - full of my usual tall tales of being 100 years old & having 10 children. We laughed, we shook hands. This experience made my heart SING with gladness. Portland, ME - my first Kinyarwandan exchange since returning to America. Who knew?

Also, I'm coming to terms with the fact that for every great photo I get, there are 10's of not-so-great ones.  These statistics will improve with experience.  It's okay.  Be humble.

Spending nearly 10 hours/day this summer taking photos, I have finally come to understand the meaning/function behind ISO, White Balance, Aperture & Shutter Speed.  I am also learning how to manipulate these in my favor.  I've taken photography classes in the past that covered all of these topics but it isn't until now, this summer, that it's all starting to click.

I think that a lot of my inner peace comes from being at camp, in a role/position where I know exactly what my responsibilities are.  I have the freedom to learn & make mistakes - my bosses aren't breathing down my neck micromanaging everything.  We are given so much trust here, my opinion matters & is taken into account.  I have a say in the equipment we purchase & I create my own daily schedule.  I'm also improving my ability to ask for help when I need it & learning to let go of my pride.  I don't need to take every photo this summer, it's for the better good.  It is wonderful.  I'm so thankful.  I anticipate many challenges with our move to Grand Rapids for grad school this fall, but hope I will eventually find this inner peace in there in next the chapter of my life as well. 

This inner peace is also the result of forgiveness.  Learning to forgive others is a very powerful, difficult to achieve experience.  We are all only human.  Assume the best in others.  Be patient & trust Karma.  

Staff Photos from KP 2012  & Camper Photos from KP 2012

now & before

small changes I notice between camp 2009 & 2012:

• There is a filter in my mind these days - carefully grown between my brian & my mouth.  I used to be a non-stop running faucet of thoughts, ideas & obscenities.  Now I take a moment to consider "is this helpful or hurtful?" - "how would this make so&so feel if I said this aloud right now?"  That's not to say that things don't slip from time to time - I'm just much better about it these days. 
• I am more aware of my selfishness.  Taking advantage of the "staff door", getting seconds before the campers have the opportunity to do so, etc.  Sometimes I try to justify this with "I need to get back & process photos ASAP" other times I know it's just because I'm impatient.  (Is impatience the same thing as selfishness?) 
• I don't mind going to bed at 10 instead of going out & partying with everyone.  I don't really mind if I "miss out."  Sleeping is important to me.  Being able to function the following day is important to me.  
• I much prefer to spend time with small groups of friends than with everyone all at once.  Quality, not quantity.  I think this is the same with how I am investing my love this summer as well.  
• I'm okay these days with hanging back, letting others have a chance to shine.  I don't need to be the center of attention.  I think it even surprises people more to catch me busting a move at the dances out front on my own rather than inside center stage. 
• I'm here to do a job (& camp does feel much more like a job this time around) rather than for the main purpose of learning, growing & experiencing.  I'm still learning & growing, I'm sure.  That's just not the #1 reason I'm here this summer.  The honeymoon is over, I am earning my paycheck this summer. 
• I'm learning to keep my ego in-check.  I don't need to take every single picture posted on the camp website.  It is OKAY to ask for help.  Getting to all of the activities in a week is not a realistic goal for someone trying to work solo.  What's more important? Me getting all of the credit for camp photos this summer & burning out trying to do so or getting quality photos from multiple people at a reasonable pace?  I needed to check myself when after the 1st week of trying to do it all on my own, I was already feeling like the summer was dragging on for ages.  I asked for help.  I've got it.  We, as a team, are going to get loads of awesome camp photos this summer. 
• I'm still a crap pen-pal.  Still struggling with that.  I'm sorry to those of you who may feel hurt as a result.  It's nothing personal about you or anyone else, it's just a me-thing I can't quite get a grasp on.  

Grand Rapids, Growing Up, Artists, Abundance, Simplicity

I'm often overwhelmed with the
generosity
beauty
kindness
of the universe & those around me.

It leads me to feel
undeserving
hesitant
skeptical
as well as
warm
hopeful
content.

I need to remind myself
to open my heart towards the world
& simply say
"Thank You".

3 weeks in

I stand in front of the mirror
seeing my naked body in all
for the first time in weeks

most nights we camp,
this is only the second time we've gotten a hotel room
during the 3 weeks of our tour

everything's where it should be
tan lines have grown across my shoulders
my hair is frazzled despite a much needed shower last night
& my faithful pooch rests right below my belly button
where she has always been

I feel a sense of failure
had I been expecting a grand transformation?

I think of the things I feed myself day to day
oatmeal smothered with hot chocolate mix & peanut butter
PB&J tortillas for lunch
ice cream & chocolaty granola bars for snacks
french fries when we wish
lentils & tortillas for dinner
occasional potato chips

it doesn't seem that bad when I type it out,
but my cravings for chocolate have been unusually high
these past 3 weeks

& then I kick myself
this body,
she has gotten you over mountains!
she is biking 40-50miles a day for you!
she has adjusted to carry not only you & your bike,
but an additional 50lbs of weight
across deserts for you!

how can you be so ungrateful?!

Bless your arms
& your shoulders!
which have grown so strong

Bless your legs
which pump endlessly for you
sun up to sun down

Bless your pooch!
For at the end of this journey,
it may be the only recognizable trademark left
to connect you from past to present

Give yourself permission to
Feed your body
Fuel your body
Appreciate your body

She is good to you.
Love her.