Happiness is...

19 October 2009

With every day being a roller coaster here, of emotional (and physical) highs and lows, my friend, Ellie, and I have noticed that we are slowly learning to tune-in to even the slightest bits (& peaces) of emotion. Eventually however, I am afraid that my mind and heart may decide to go on autopilot, and surround these waves of emotion with a layer of numbness as a means of protecting myself against unnecessary, exhausting pain.

I was reading in my bunk by the light of my headlamp (I really just don't like the sterile feel and color of the florescent light above), but someone walked into the room and I said "oh, you can turn on the light". I bet people think I'm strange for sitting in a dark room reading by headlamp when there's an overhead light available.. who cares. Anyway, whoever it was who walked in the room said "are you kidding?" and I was like "uhh nope" and she said "the power's out!". Goodness, I was so caught up in my own little mosquito net world that I didn't even realize that the entire city was in a state of total darkness. So when it came time for dinner to be served, we all made our way across the street to the school (where we carry food to, from my house - I guess more accurately from the backyard.. they've built a tent back there were all the cooking takes place) to eat. Walking in, goodness. The classroom was a romantic setting of wooden tables properly set and intimately light by candlelight. And when I say candlelight, I literally mean, thin, white candles, not set in candle sticks, but rather simply balanced, one by one, on their ends on each table. I am so grateful that we have our meals family style here (helps to keep away loneliness), but this, candlelight dinner.. that was special.

Eventually while we were eating, lights started to flicker. I thought some goof was trying to take a picture of the setting using his flash... but instead it was just that electricity was flowing through the wires again and the lights were coming back on. It didn't take long for someone in our group to get out of her chair though and go back, flick the switch and return the room to its peaceful state of warmly-light being.

Happiness is a kind, gentle reminder of family dinners at home.

During dinner Ellie mentioned that she wished she'd had an avocado. Something about the salty, plain noodles was really hitting the spot tonight, but an avocado would have just put the meal over the top. I found myself lost in thought about the breakfast sandwich I had made myself this morning. Nothing covers up the stale toughness of the white bread they give us like an egg and some fresh avocado spread sprinkled with sea salt. At the same time, Ellie and I wondered out loud, "when do you think the market opens?" as we both had hopes of enjoying a Rwandan breakfast sandwich tomorrow morning as well. I suggested that she hit up the market on her way tomorrow and she said she could pick up 2, one for us to split for breakfast and one to have with lunch. At the thought of this, I found myself smiling. And then I realized I was smiling. I recognized the fact that what I was experiencing, that was happiness. I was feeling happiness for the very first time this entire, and I mean, Entire day. All of that over a couple silly avocados.

Happiness is the thought of a delicious treat in your belly.

I know it sounds strange, and it's probably considered highly inappropriate by many, but in the past few days, I have been completely blown away by the enormous collection of erotic fiction (both in novel form, and personally written) possessed by this group of Peace Corps trainees. At dinner tonight there was talk about everyone writing their own piece, anonymously, and compiling the works to make a Peace Corps Rwanda erotica collection. Maybe it's something about the fact that we will be starved for affection over the next 27 months, you know I bet that really has something to do with it... but I find the idea really quite entertaining. Towards the end of dinner, we were sitting with one trainee who I'd known had written a couple pieces in college as a required assignment for a creative writing class (.. I bet that prof. was a perv). The girls of the Kitchen House had read his work earlier this evening, but I'd been in my room reading "Eat, Pray, Love", so I missed out (protecting my innocence, of course). Struck with curiosity, Ellie and I asked to read what he'd written some time. He just happened to have his laptop then and there, so we read through it at the dinner table once he had excused himself (I assume to avoid judging, wide-eyed glances). Ellie was a much faster reader than me, and I definitely felt my cheeks blush a couple of times. When I got to the end, I just looked over at Ellie, rather quite stupefied by the rawness of the story and all we could do was laugh.

Happiness is a silly giggle shared with a friend.

Just as I was headed into the restroom with my water bottle in tow (we have to use filtered water still to brush our teeth), one of my roomies hollered at me saying that my phone was ringing. Not wanting to miss another call (as I missed 3 last night and don't have voicemail on this phone), I rushed back into the room to answer. "Restricted Number" was on the screen but as soon as I answered and heard that little lady voice "Hello.. is Nicole there?" I was thrilled! "Grand-MAW!" Goodness. I am so impressed by my grandma these days.. learning how to check her email and having a facebook account to keep up-to-date on us kids (I went over to her house many times before leaving for Rwanda and we always had a computer lesson or two just to make sure she could get on and figure everything out on her own) and look, now making long distance phone calls. Who ever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks? :) Not that I think you're an old dog, grandma. You know what I mean. It was just really wonderful to hear her on the other end of the line and the excitement in her voice told me it was just as meaningful for her to talk to me as it was for me to hear from her.

Happiness is the sound of a familiar voice on the line.

Look, even with the shitty moments and frustrations that brought me down today...
Happiness is still being able to smile despite it all, simply because I made it through another day.