One day I woke up and I was in Africa. This is the Africa part of my life.

18 October 2009

This is the first day off we've had since I left, October 6th... and thank goodness because I probably would have considered writing a "please excuse me from class I need a mental health day" note had it not been.

I just got back from lunch with Ellie.

One thing you should know, (ya know, incase you ever plan to go out to eat in Rwanda) there's no such thing as "fast food". You place your order and 1.5 hours later, you're lucky if your meal has arrived. Another thing, don't trust a man if he tells you there's no menu. Ellie and I were under the impression that we'd ordered kabobs. She asked for chicken, I asked for fish (they told us that they didn't have a menu, so we didn't really know what our choices were, nor how much they would cost). We were under the impression that we'd placed an order for a simple kabob lunch. So, an hour and a half later when they brought out enormous silver plates, Ellie's a presentation of an ENTIRE chicken and then mine.. shoot, I thought I was going to get a few fish nuggets and they brought me POSEIDON, king of the sea, head, tail and fins still intact. We couldn't help but to laugh.

The problem here (as I see it) is that the staff at this place assumed that they could bring us these lavish meals (vs. the kabobs we thought we'd ordered), which of course we would eat because they were garnished with fresh veggies(!!!) that hopefully won't make us sick, and that we would have the huge sum of money required to pay for the meal (because after all, we're the rich Americans in town). We didn't know any better (did we really order whole animals??) and we weren't about to tell them to take our plates back to the kitchen and redo what took so long to make in the first place.. heck, the cook brought us the food himself. So, when everyone else in the restaurant was eating (.. what other than kabobs?!) and we've got enough to feed a village on our plates before us, you've got to figure, we all play the fool from time to time, huh?

Last time we eat there, that's for sure.

We'll stick to the blue bar down the road where stinky John of God brings us our bevies with a smile and outrageous BO, thankyouverymuch.

I'm in my room right now with U2 in my ear (ear singular - because my left earphone broke) just trying to drown out the noise of the music of others in the room and the voices of others in the house. Alone. Goodness, wouldn't it be nice to be ALONE? Seriously, I feel like there's some National Geographic man (who likes to speak in run-on sentences) somewhere narrating every time we leave our house "oooh, notice, the herd of muzungus has left their cave again (herd because we always travel in packs.. never alone, heaven forbid). They must be in search of food, low on supplies... Yes.. yes see how they've brought their backpacks and water bottles.. their journey for food or internet may take all afternoon, but they'll be in before 6, the muzungus don't like to stay out much past dark as the streets of Nyanza become dangerous for the weak creatures are unable to sprint to safety due to the fact that they are not used to the lower levels of oxygen in the air at these high altitudes...).

Fortunately, I have found a few friends here who can sit with me, just sit, and not have to talk. We can just sit on my bed, listen to our own music, tune out the world. Alone, together. (Hopefully everyone will leave for dinner in an hour and I'll have a little time to myself.. Lord knows that after that enormous "lunch" today, I won't need to eat for days).

Unfortunately though, I had to say goodbye to one of those closest, let's sit and be alone together, friends today.

Watching my friend struggle for the past week over the decision to ET (early terminate) was really painful and eye-opening at the same time.

1. Of course I didn't want her to go for my own selfish reasons. There are few people here I really enjoy being with all the time, and she was one of them. She helped to keep me grounded, she acted like a conscience for me and her passion inspired me, making me want to be better, making me want to try harder. Plus, this girl has one of the kindest hearts I've ever come across, ever.

2. For the first time, I realized that not everyone is here for the same reasons as me. We all come to the Peace Corps with different skills, talents, things to offer, but we all come here, as I see now, needing to get different things out of this experience as well.

I couldn't wrap my mind around my friend's reasons. Wait. She's really leaving to go home and be with her boyfriend?

But, but!!!

What about all of the self-discovery, what about the direction seeking, what about the personal growth opportunities, what about the soul searching?!!?! How on Earth can she give that up, all for some guy?? Is she crazy?!

And then I told myself (and her), shoot.. I don't want you to someday regret this. What if things don't work out with him? What if you'll look back and wish you'd never left? .. and goodness, what about all of the soul searching???!

Then I saw it though. I could see it in her eyes. She didn't need the self-discovery and soul searching like me, that's not why she joined the Peace Corps. She had "taken" (as they translate "made" here) her decision, she knows herself well enough already, she knows what makes her happy and she has met someone she doesn't want to live without. Coming to Rwanda, being a Peace Corps Trainee for a dozen days fulfilled what she had needed her Peace Corps experience to do; it showed her that with the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, is where she wants to be. Whatever my friend decides to do back in the States, be it pursue a teaching career, work with underprivileged youth, whatever it is, I know that she is going to touch the lives and hearts of so many out there in this world and I am so happy that she will not have to sacrifice her relationship with someone so incredibly special to her in order to do so.

I wish her nothing but the best of luck and the most happiness <3

3. Leaving has never been an option for me.

Now I am starting to see that lately I feel as though life is happening AT me, TO me. I feel like the other day I woke up in Africa (a very unclimatic entrance), and well, this is where I am now and this is how it's going to be and that's just the way it is. How can this possibly make sense when I am the one who worked so hard to make this happen for myself? It doesn't make sense, not in the least. It sounds silly but I feel like I didn't have much choice about this Africa thing, just like I don't know that I chose to go to MSU or even (and I know you won't believe this for a moment, but it's how I feel) about getting that recycle sign this summer. I feel like these things were all just meant to be, out of my hands. There are other things in my life that I feel are just fated to happen.. like, come on, no matter how hard I try to change it, I'm going to be a teacher in one form or another, did I really have to come all the way to Africa to start to accept that? Maybe. Maybe that was just part of Life's plan for me. I always thought that I was a Liver (no, not the organ). I took a lot of pride in this, that I went out there, made things happen for myself, embraced each day, but these days, I am starting to think that maybe it's Life who really has ahold of the steering wheel.

*I know some of you would use God in place of what I've called Life, but that's another thing (like becoming a teacher) that I have really struggled to come to terms with over the past 4+ years.

4. But if other people want to leave, should I want to go home too?

Seeing multiple people in our group of trainees toss this question around in their heads and hearts makes me wonder if I've missed something. Am I in over my head? Am I miserable here (and I just don't realize it)? What's going on?

I am coming to realize that despite what I want this to be, which is a team effort, joining the Peace Corps, getting through training, it's really an individual sport. Today I felt like part of my support network left and that hurts. My other close friends, like me, have never considered leaving, but that's not to say that there won't come a day when they too decide that this just isn't right for them at this point in their lives. It's a scary thought, but I got myself into this on my own and I may have to get myself through it on my own. Holy cow.

Yeah, each day has its own highs and lows. Some days are just a struggle to get by hour by hour (especially days with multiple sessions of Kinyarwanda class), but I feel like training is similar to preparing for finals at State. We are all here, (I guess that at least for me personally) I don't have a choice in that matter (remember.. this was Life's plan, not mine) and training, yeah it's pretty horribly boring sometimes but you know what? I feel like there's so much to look forward to, post-training, getting into a village, becoming a part of a community, connecting with kids.. plus (and how could we forget?!?!) all of the personal growth that will result from this experience!! I feel like all of those things are what pull me, and really, sometimes DRAG me kicking and screaming, through each day. Plus, no offense family and friends, but what would I have to come home to in the States? Everyone has their own thing going on, I don't have the love of my life at home missing me like crazy every moment of every day, friends are scattered around the country, the job market isn't exactly booming.. or even at this point, showing any signs of a pulse, I have no car and my 40 year old bike will only get me so far before the breaks completely give out. The way I see it, yeah things can be tough here (and I'm afraid we haven't even scratched the surface of hard), but I'm here learning, experiencing a new culture, a new language, gaining so many invaluable skills, seeing Africa .. all on someone else's bill. Remember, I know a good deal when I see one.

Leaving has never been an option,

One day I woke up and I was in Africa. This is the Africa part of my life.

Once all is said & done here, then we'll see where Life decides to take me.

ps. the electric teakettle, revolutionizing bucket-baths & changing lives since 17 october 2009.